That title is tough, trust me, I know it. The title alone takes me to a place that I try to hard to escape on a daily basis.
Let me start off by saying this, my life is pretty freaking dreamy. I am a successful business owner, I literally scream self love/body positivity/and choosing joy at the roof of every rooftop I can reach, I sprinkle God’s love in places you would never think to hear about Him, I am the momma to two perfect boys, the wife of the most amazing and patient man, I am the daughter of the One True King, and nothing is really ever wrong.
Except for my own thoughts about myself.
My past, is full of trauma. I have this new wave of life that has filled every dry and dead bone in my body. It was like a wave of water that completely took me under and I arose a new woman the day I realized how great our God was.
And even then my mind falls into this deep spiraling darkness full of aching sadness. Not because anything in my life is bad today, but because the trauma is so deep that even though I feel fully redeemed, I also have these unwavering flashbacks of nightmare filled memories.
I used to fall into this shame of my relationship with God not being good enough because if I were truly saved, if I had truly delivered my life to Him, how could I still have suicidal thoughts? How could I still struggle to just get up and be a mother to my children? How could I struggle to breathe when I felt I was about to be cornered by strangers in a public setting?
Surely, someone who was truly healed would never feel those things. Someone who was truly healed would never have the selfish feelings of wondering if their family would just be better without them. The constant thoughts of being undeserving of her husband would surely be a thing of the past.
I AM HERE TO TELL YOU…
THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS. YOU ARE SO LOVED BY GOD AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM IS NOT MEASURED BY HOW PERFECT YOU THINK YOU HAVE TO BE.
We will always need Him. He loves that we yearn for more of Him. He draws you near and when you get that small glimmer of light, that’s Him. That’s Him letting you know that He is still with you. That’s Him letting you know that you need to go on because He is not finished with you yet. He has never left you, because even when we turn on our backs on Him, He stays still waiting for us to remember who He has made us to be. He stays still because His love is unwavering. Even in our imperfect thoughts, He has perfect thoughts of us.
You can have a strong relationship with God and still struggle with mental illness. You can have a strong relationship with God and still struggle with depression. You can have a strong relationship with God and still struggle with anxiety. You can have a strong relationship with God and still struggle with suicidal ideation.
You can have a strong relationship with God and STILL STRUGGLE.
Your mental illness is not measured by your faith and your faith is not measured by your imperfections. Nothing is wrong with you. You are not broken. He has already healed you. But every wound heals differently. We are left with scars as a reminder of who and where we have been.
And those scars are not who we are now and where we will go.
Hold on tight mommas. I know days are hard and the darkness sometimes seems deeper than we are capable of coming back out of. But, I want you to know that in that darkness, you are not alone. The next time you get trapped in there, reach out, I promise so many of us will be reaching back and will pull you until you see the light again.
You are so worthy of another day. You might not know me, but I promise you are loved. And the answer is no, no one would be better off without you. YOUR FAITH IS BIG AND YOU ARE STILL A LIGHT.
The world needs you to know that. God needs you to know that. I need you to know that. And God needs me to know that too.