Exploited.

I pressed my entire body weight against the locked bathroom door as he banged on it and threatened to kill me if I didn’t open it.  I held my knees to my chest and sobbed in a complete state of chaotic confusion.  Why is this happening?  How did this happen?  What is going on?  I trembled and my mind started to go into a dark hole to avoid being present in the reality of what was happening.  I was exploited.

A couple invited me to a party and in my drug induced haze I went because I knew there would be free drugs there.  I had been up for two weeks and shortly after they handed me a drink it felt like a span of two minutes in between every single time I blinked.  Time began to move slowly and the world began to fade around me.  The room started to spin and I grasped on to the white washed walls hearing faint echoes of people telling me to go lay down in the homeowners bed.  I declined, I may have been a lost soul but I had morals.  The homeowner happened to be an extremely good looking and muscular guy.  The women flocked to him the entire night as he kept making eye contact with me.  I remember saying to my friend how good looking he was when we walked through the door.  I had made it my mission to befriend him and know more about him; I had no idea that they had already priced and sold me.

My mind kept collapsing and the world kept going dark as he helped me walk down the hallway.  He laid me down and said, “Don’t worry, you’re safe here”.  He closed the door behind him and returned to the party.  I had no idea why my entire world was spinning but I was too far gone to ponder it.  I closed my eyes and fell into a peaceful slumber.  Suddenly, I opened my eyes and he was on top of me.  I immediately began to fight as he pinned me down and threatened me if I didn’t stop fighting.  I was about 85 pounds and at 4’11 there was not much fight I had against a 6’3 bodybuilder.  I closed my eyes and prayed; in that moment I pushed as hard as I could and he toppled off of me.

I ran into the bathroom and locked the door, he was right behind me.  And there I was in almost a fetal position against the door wondering why.  He began to yell at me, “I PAID THEM FOR YOU ALREADY!  I GAVE THEM THEIR SHARE!  THEY SAID YOU KNEW!  LET ME IN OR I WILL KILL YOU!”  Within seconds he started to weep and say he didn’t know that I didn’t know.  He wept and begged me not to call the cops when all of a sudden he was Hyde again.  He fought this internal demon over and over again when I made the decision that I had to play into his remorse.  When he wept again I spoke softly and told him I forgave him.  I made him promise not to hurt me if I opened the door; and he did.  I didn’t believe him but I couldn’t stay in that bathroom forever.

I opened the door and he held me as if we were long time lovers that had just gotten in our first fight.  We sobbed together and I had to pretend to like him. I stayed in his arms and acted as if he was my safe place.  He handed me $500 and a spare key to his apartment.  He told me to call a taxi and to leave the key under his mat when I left and thanked me for my time.  He thanked me for time that I didn’t consent to give him.  He thanked me for robbing me of my dignity.  He thanked me for murdering my spirit.  He thanked me for breaking the already broken girl.  That was the beginning of the most shameful part of my life.  It wasn’t the first time someone had stolen my dignity; but that didn’t matter.

Why do I share this? Because what good is a testimony in shame?  How can one lead people to God and to glorify Him if you can’t share what He has brought you through?  There is a woman out there that you know or maybe the one reading this who lives a life of brokenness and guilt.  Regardless of the decisions you made to get you there; it was NOT your fault.  You did NOT deserve that.  You ARE worthy.  You ARE beautiful.  I will not be silenced because there is life after worldly death.  There is hope.

To my sweet husband.  I know this isn’t easy but I so rejoice in the fact that you so want women to be respected and loved.  You are my biggest blessing.  Thank you for loving me through my brokenness.